Swallow The Knife
by not a zatarc
Summary: No one at the institute trusts Logan anymore. He can smell their fear, and taste their hate. Now he's finally decided to do something about it to end his eternal grief. finished Please Review
1. Swallow The Knife

Disclaimer: I don't own the X-Men. I should really make copies of this statement, maybe then you'll get it. I'm so sorry if you don't. x_0;;  
  
Summary: No one at the institute trusts Logan anymore. He can smell their fear, and taste their hate. Now he's finally decided to do something about it to end his eternal grief.  
  
Note: Ultimate Universe. Takes place somewhere during issue 38, and changes from there on, not following the issue. The song in this fic is 'Swallow the Knife', by Story of the Year.  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 1-Swallow The Knife  
  
*****  
  
So our open wounds will bleed until our veins run dry.  
  
Now we have to take this thorn and tear it from our side.  
  
Agitated at the fault line. Sill agreed to disagree.  
  
You're connected to the heart, but tonight we'll set you free.  
  
So swallow the knife. Carve the way for your pride.  
  
xxx  
  
Now our hands are tied. The problems lie within.  
  
So we pray for night to start over again.  
  
*****  
  
After walking into the kitchen and getting looks from everyone as he entered the room, Logan quickly made himself a sandwich and grabbed a beer, then headed outside without a word to anyone. He hated the way they all stared at him like he would suddenly snap and kill them all. Maybe he should, that'd prove that they were right about him all along. Would they be happy then? Even Peter stared at him like he was a deserter, a murderer; and Peter was supposed to be his friend. Logan had no friends, and he probably never would, he just figured now was the time to except that and get over it. He looked up slowly as a scent caught his attention.   
  
Jean descended from above, landing right infront of him where he sat on the stone wall. 'Oh great.' he thought bitterly. 'Here comes the part where she says she wants me dead ta my face.'  
  
Jean stared at Logan for a minute, almost feeling sorry for him at the sad and grief stricken look in his eyes. She frowned, her eyebrows furrowed in an angered expression. Right then and there Jean hated Logan, she hated him so bad for what he tried to do to Scott she could've stopped his heart at that moment. She took in a deep breath and lingered there before she allowed herself to think again. She also realized that she didn't hate him, she felt sorry for him, almost concerned even, but not quite. "Aren't you going to apologize for what you've done?" she snarled.  
  
Logan didn't even lift his head. He just stared at the half eaten sandwich on his lap. "Yeh, guess I should."  
  
"Well?" Jean glared.  
  
He shrugged half-heartedly, not meeting her piercing gaze. "What's the point? There's nothin' I'll ever be able ta do to make anyone 'round here stop hatin' me."   
  
Jean frowned sadly. His tone sounded so defeated that she felt too bad to say anything more to him. She turned away and started walking back to the mansion, not even bothering to take to the air this time.  
  
Logan sighed heavily, putting his sandwich aside and downing the rest of his beer in one gulp. He ran a hand ragedly over his face, then lazily stood up and began walking toward the treeline as the setting sun gave way to darkness.  
  
*****  
  
Even now as I write this down all pretensions disappear.  
  
Now our impulses will bite at the ankles of our fear.  
  
So swallow the knife. Carve the way for your pride.  
  
xxx  
  
Now our hands are tied. The problems lie within.  
  
So we pray for night to start over again.  
  
*****  
  
The night air was getting colder, the grass was wet and the fallen leaves wafted around in the light breeze. Logan could care less about the leaves, the cold that was coming, anything really at all. He was sick of everyone hating him, sick of feeling grief all the time, even hating himself. He knew he deserved this, he deserved it all; every glare, every remark, even the fear. He knew it would just make everyone's lives easier if he were no longer around. It would make *his* life easier, and that was the worst of it.  
  
Logan trudged further into the woods, tossing his leather jacket on the way, until he'd just about reached the end of Xavier's property, a steep cliffside that ended in a pile of jagged rocks and sea water at the bottom. He leaned over the edge, looking down as the water splashed up against bottom of the cliff, streaming upward from the rocks. He let out a long sigh, and wondered if the fall would even kill him, if it'd be as painful a death as he felt he deserved. Logan shook his head dejectedly and paced along the top of the cliff. He growled to himself, his inner beast calling him a chicken, a cop out. He bit down hard on his lower lip to stagger his thoughts, then turned sharply and moved under a tall pine tree. He knew what he was going to do, how he'd end it all.   
  
Logan stood under the tree with his right fist pressed against the side of his neck, and his left poised in a position in front of his heart. He opened his sad eyes once more, staring into the darkness and wondering, hoping, that he'd be able to stop his heart long enough, or bleed to death before his healing factor had a chance to save his sorry ass. The muscles in his forearms twitched ever so slightly, releasing sharp adamantium claws into his soft flesh. He ripped his right claws outward, tearing away the entire front of his throat, then jammed his other clawed hand deeper into his chest cavity, plunging the blades right into his heart.  
  
Logan dropped to the ground, fighting with all his strength to keep his claws from retracting, so they'd remain in his body and perhaps kill him. As his head lay on the damp grass, he could feel the blood gurgling up in his lungs, but there was no throat left for it to seep into his mouth. Just before Logan was overcome by a darkness that he wished to cause him death, he noticed the blood pooling around him, growing into a large puddle that looked like it'd go on forever. Then he closed his eyes, hoping never to open them again, and finally end his suffering, and the suffering he'd caused others.  
  
*****  
  
Now our hands are tied. The problems lie within.  
  
So we pray for night to start over again.  
  
Words are spoken. Words are broken down.  
  
xxx  
  
So let's make this night be our best mistake.  
  
So let's take the time to wipe the blood away.  
  
Now our hands are tied and our world is caving in.  
  
*****  
  
Note: I will continue upon request. Please review for more chapters! x_0;; 


	2. Until The Day I Die part 1

Thanks To: Kendarath. I'm glad you like it so far! *hands out a paper bag* Don't die on me now! lol. x_0;  
  
Note: The song in this chap. is 'Until the day I die' by Story of the Year.  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 2-Until The Day I Die part 1  
  
*****  
  
Until the day I die-I'll spill my heart for you, for you.  
  
Until the day I die-I'll spill my heart for you.  
  
*****  
  
The mansion grew dark and quiet as the late night hours came forth and many of the Institute's occupants had already gone to sleep. Jean figured it wasn't *that* late yet, and she was so totally engrossed in her reading that she didn't care what time it was, she didn't even notice everyone else leave the rec room and go to bed. She didn't even notice Scott. She had recently started a romance/mystery novel called 'Falling Down' by some anonymous author, and was completely absorbed in the story. Jean barely even put it down since she'd started reading after her little confrontation with Logan. Oh yeah, Logan. Where was he anyway? She didn't remember him coming back in the mansion, but if he did she wouldn't have noticed anyway.  
  
Just as Jean was about to start another chapter, Professor Xavier's projected thoughts interrupted her reading.   
  
~Jean, I'm sorry to bother you, but this is important.~  
  
~Go ahead.~ Jean sent back to him, marking her place in reading with a folded page, then setting the book down on her lap and sitting upright in her chair. She could sense the Professor's urgency through their link and it made her worry that something was wrong.  
  
~Have you seen Logan at all? Since earlier I mean.~  
  
Jean rolled her eyes, somewhat finding it strange that she had just been randomly thinking about him. ~No, I haven't.~ she told him, a mental bitterness added with the message. ~And quite frankly I'd be perfectly content in not seeing him again Professor. He could very well be dead for all I care!~ she shouted over the link, suprised at the anger in her words.  
  
~You may get your wish Jean.~   
  
Jean raised her eyebrows with widened eyes. The Professor's words were laced with sinisism, and disappointment. ~What?~ her mind was so confused at the moment that she wasn't sure her question reached the Professor.  
  
~Something's wrong Jean.~ he replied. ~I'm having trouble locking onto his brainwave patterns, even using Cerebro, though I could sense something wasn't right. I need you to find him Jean. He's somewhere on the grounds, near the woods I believe.~  
  
Jean stood abruptly, causing the book in her lap to fall on the floor. The Professor seemed unusually concerned. ~Do you think those Weapon-X lunatic assassins actually got to him this time?~  
  
~No, I'm almost sure it isn't that. Just hurry, and let me know if you find anything.~  
  
Jean could feel the Professor breaking their link. She started for the door, and slipped her feet into the pair of slippers that were lying beside her chair.  
  
*****  
  
Jean walked through the gardens, the full moon in the pitch black sky her only light. She walked toward the wall where Logan had been sitting earlier, where she'd talked to him. Getting closer and hopping to the other side, she noticed an empty beer can on the ground, and Logan's unfinished sandwich sitting atop the wall. She took in a deep breath. "Alright, focus Jean, focus." she thought out loud. She was still angry at Logan for what he did, furious even, but Charles asked her personally to do this for him. It was probably because everyone else was sleeping, but she was still obligated to help out a teammate even if he did try and kill her love. Jean wondered what could have happened to make the Professor so worried about Logan. He was practically indestructable after all, and the guy could obviously take care of himself. She rolled her eyes and shook slightly from the cold, then began to walk into the even darker woods.   
  
As she neared the end of the property, she noticed something on the ground near some bushes. Jean bent down, examining the object, then realized it was Logan's jacket. She furrowed her brows and tossed the jacket over her shoulder, wondering why he would just leave it there like that. The Professor was dead on, something wasn't right.   
  
Just before the cliff a dark shadowy figure caught Jean's eye. There was something lying just under the huge pine tree that marked off the property. She cautiously approached it, then took in a sharp breath, gaping in horror at what she saw. "OhmyGod."  
  
*****  
  
As years go by I race the clock with you,  
  
but if you die right now, you know that I'd die too, I'd die too.  
  
You remind me of the times when I knew who I was,  
  
but still the second hand will catch us like it always does.  
  
*****  
  
Logan was lying on the ground, a pool of thick blood surrounding him. His throat and chest were torn to shreds and Jean thought she was going to be sick. She pulled her shirt up over her nose to avoid the overpowering smell of blood. Quickly kneeling beside Logan's body, Jean realized that he was *still* alive, but barely. "OhmyGod..." she breathed out, just finding her voice. His hands were both clenched into fists, and the claws on his left hand were still dug into his chest. Jean reached for his arm, pulling back sharply at the touch of his cold, clammy skin. She took in a deep breath, telling herself she could do this. She reached back for his arm, and pulled it away from his chest so that the claws were no longer jammed in the wound. The sickening sound of metal grading against flesh made her cringe.  
  
Jean gasped again as more blood poured out of Logan's chest, pooling into the blood on the ground that had already developed a crust. 'How long has he been here like this?' she thought to herself as she used Logan's jacket to press against the wound in a vain attempt to stop more blood from pouring out. She cursed herself for being so stupid as to remove his claws, since they were probably the only thing that stopped the bleeding.  
  
~Jean.~  
  
Jean jumped backwards suddenly at the Professor's mental intrusion, she was so on edge. She remembered that she was supposed to have contacted him upon finding anything. ~Professor! Logan's badly injured, I need help getting him back to the mansion!~ she replied, trying to remain calm, though Logan was very nearly bleeding to death on the ground.  
  
~Alright, I'll send someone in quick, just hang on.~  
  
Jean felt the Professor leaving her mind again and she clenched her eyes shut, not wanting to believe what was happening. Hang on. Right...like *she* was the one who needed to hang on. Suddenly Jean felt very, very guilty. Moments ago she had told Charles that Logan could be dead and she wouldn't care. She took in a shuddering breath, then forced herself to look at Logan's mangled body and keep her hands pressed against his wounds until help arrived.  
  
*****  
  
We'll make the same mistakes.  
  
I'll take the fall for you.  
  
I hope you need this now 'cause I know I still do. 


	3. Until The Day I Die part 2

Thanks To: Everyone who's reviewed so far! (jus' so I don't miss anyone) x_0; *hands Wolverinefan a tissue*  
  
Val; In Ultimate X-Men, Logan has tried to kill Scott, and that's basically why everyone's pissed at him. Hope that helps with your understanding of the story. I hope you all review again! *passes out X-Men to everyone* They needta be back fer next week though! My Logan-muse will get lonely. x_0; heh. On with the chapter!  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 3-Until The Day I Die part 2  
  
*****  
  
Until the day I die-I'll spill my heart for you.  
  
Until the day I die-I'll spill my heart for you.  
  
*****  
  
The blackness of the night had spilled into the day time, the dark cloudy skies and freezing rain reflecting the emotions of a very guilty soul. It was like the clouds were almost weeping for him, for her...for the both of them.   
  
Jean hadn't slept since the team brought Logan into the mansion. Professor Xavier had warned the younger members to keep clear from the infirmary, the sight was just too grusome. She had to help Charles stabilize him, and clean up the wounds that hadn't yet healed, which was most of the mess.   
  
*****  
  
About an hour or so later, Jean had just finished tossing out the remaining blood soaked bandages and cleaned the floor from all the blood. She could still see it though. All that blood...just pooling around Logan's cold, stiff body. The Professor had concluded that he'd been there for several hours, just laying there, in his own blood, drowning in it, dying. Jean couldn't imagine how horrible that would be. She frowned and glanced at Logan just lying there in the med lab, tubes and wires all over the place, bloody bandages, big machines that continued to beep. The worst looking of it all was the tube down his throat, (or what was left of it) pumping air into his lungs so that he would breathe.  
  
"Jean? You're still here?"  
  
She turned around slowly, rubbing at her bloodshot eyes. "Yeh, I'm still here." she said quietly to the Professor.   
  
"I assume since you were there, you know the wounds were self inflicted." Charles told her, his voice low and even. He sounded disapointed, and sympathetic all at the same time.  
  
Jean glanced at the floor, her expression changing to anger. She clenched her fists by her side and frowned, meeting the Professor's steel gaze. "Why would he do this?"   
  
"I think you know." he looked away and slowly turned his chair out of the infirmary. "I suggest you get some rest."  
  
Jean let out a long, anguished sigh. She leaned up against the far wall of the infirmary and slumped to the floor, hugging her knees close to her chest. She wrapped her hands around her head and tugged at her hair like she was going to rip it all out. Jean clenched her teeth, leaning her head back against the wall. She knew why Logan tried to kill herself? But did she? Did she really know? Jean tried to understand it all, but everything just ended up giving her a bigger headache.   
  
She was angry with Logan, angry that he tried to kill Scott back in the savage land, angry that he'd actually had the balls to come back to the team, angry that he'd left again, and angry that he was going to die. Or was he? Either way, she was angry that he tried to die. Jean was so mad that he could be so selfish as to kill himself off instead of facing what he did. But on the other hand, she understood him. It was partly her fault too, that he'd want to die. Ever since she'd accused him of killing Scott, before she even knew the truth, she'd treated him like shit. After that she treated him worse if that was possible. The entire team was against him now, and Jean realized that if she was in his place she'd feel like crap too, though she doubted she'd try suicide. But she wasn't in Logan's place, and she hadn't been through what he'd been through. She hadn't been treated like an animal, trained to kill. It was wrong of her to hate him for something he couldn't prevent himself from doing, something he felt remorse for, but still could never redeem himself.  
  
Jean finally hoisted herself up from the floor, then passed Logan's bedside without looking at him. She couldn't bring herself to see him like that anymore. She ran a hand through her hair and decided to change out of the medical scrubs and take a hot shower before getting some sleep.  
  
*****  
  
Should I bite my tongue until blood soaks my shirt?  
  
We'll never fall apart, so tell me why this hurts so much.  
  
My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you,   
  
but still we'll say "remember when" just like we always do.  
  
xxx  
  
Until the day I die-I'll spill my heart for you.  
  
Until the day I die-I'll spill my heart for you.  
  
Yeah I'd spill, my heart, Yeah I'd spill my heart for you.  
  
*****  
  
Logan began to feel himself reaching into consciousness. He was pissed that he felt this way at all, he should be dead, he wanted to be dead...but his hapless healing factor just managed to save his ass again.   
  
"Professor, he's waking up."  
  
"Logan?"  
  
'Damn. Chuck and Jean. Were they the ones that brought me back to life? They should have left me, let me die. Everything would be better that way. For everybody.' Logan slowly began to open his eyes, but everything seemed black and white, in slow motion, and the voices sounded muffled. Every breath he took caused him more pain, probably because his throat wasn't done healing yet, and his chest felt like it was going to implode. Atleast the tube was out of his throat and most of the extra monitors were gone.  
  
"Professor, I don't think he can talk." Jean glanced at Charles after watching Logan struggle awake.  
  
Charles nodded. "Logan if you can hear me, blink twice."  
  
He went along with it, blinking two times to let ol' Chuck know he was still kickin'. Logan let out a strangled grunt as he felt the chords in his throat fixing themselves, and he clenched his eyes shut. He wanted to say something, to tell them to put him out of everyone's misery, to kill him, but that would have to wait until he could actually talk. He let his head tilt to the side as he felt his consciousness slipping away again.  
  
*****  
  
My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you  
  
We made the same mistakes, mistakes like friends do.  
  
My hands are at your throat and I think I hate you  
  
We made the same mistakes. 


	4. In The Shadows

Thanks To: My reviewers! Yer all great!! *sounds like she's a drunk doin' a speech at a wedding* I toast to all o'you! Dr. Pepper's on me! *gets dragged away by Logan-muse*  
  
Val; WOW. I feel special now. Thanks! *grins stupidly*  
  
TigerStorm; Well, the first time Logan fought with Scott I laughed like crazy, then when we found out he really tried ta kill 'im I wanted Scott dead, but not by Wolvie's hands. I thought it was too out of character, even for Ultimate Wolverine. You'll get ta see some of the other X-Men being involved, but not too much...still not sure. x_0; I also dunno if I want this ta be a Logan/Jean, I did at first but...*shrugs* Rogue/Logan sounded like a posibility ta me too...I dunno. x_0;; Ro/Lo crossed my mind too, but they don't seem like they'd fit in Ultimate. What do ya think?  
  
Note: The song in this fic is 'In The Shadows', by Story of the Year.  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 4-In The Shadows  
  
*****  
  
We both take the hardest punches,   
  
and collect black eyes just to prove it.  
  
Still we pass by just like strangers,   
  
and we speak just like the closest enemies.  
  
xxx  
  
In the shadows of our life, we can fall into the night unscarred.  
  
In the shadows of our life, we can never let it go this far.  
  
*****  
  
Jean drummed her knuckles against the wall as she stood outside the infirmary, pacing back and forth. She glanced up as she heard footsteps approaching her from down the hall. "Scott." she breathed out, running up to him and wrapping her arms around his waist as she leaned into his chest.  
  
Scott sighed and rested his hand on her back. "Are you okay?" he questioned as she pulled away from him.  
  
Jean nodded. "Yeh, I'm fine." her eyebrows furrowed and she angrily glared at the infirmary door. "I can't believe him." she shook her head, frustrated. "And it's my fault for hating him?" she frowned.  
  
Scott glanced off to the side, stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Jean, I'm pretty pissed at what Logan did too. I mean, he tried to kill me, but I forgave him, and I meant it." he watched as Jean slowly met his gaze. "I can't hate him because it's not entirely his fault, he's been pretty messed up by Weapon-X and all that stuff."  
  
Jean stared at the floor as her eyes began to water. "I know." she said in a bare whisper. "I know that now, but...I was just so angry before, I hated him, I wanted him to die."  
  
Scott looked at her sadly. "Jean-"  
  
"Scott, I wished he was dead!" she shook her head and bit her lower lip. "He could probably sense how pissed I was, smelled it on me even. All our hate and aggression directed at him. And I don't just mean me. All of us. Me, you, Peter, Kitty, Bobby, Hank, Ororo. Even Kurt and Rogue and they don't even know him!" Jean clenched her fists by her side. "We pushed him to this. We made him feel like we'd all be better off without him." she shook her head, then turned into the infirmary.  
  
Scott let out a long sigh and stood staring at the door. He frowned, then started back down the hall. He needed to let Jean get herself through this.  
  
*****  
  
Somehow my words are rendered useless,  
  
still I pull my lip down to my chest just to show you how my jaw is,  
  
tired from waiting to say the things that you should hear.  
  
xxx  
  
In the shadows of our life, we can fall into the night unscarred.  
  
In the shadows of our life, we can never let it go this far.  
  
*****  
  
Logan took in a slow ragged breath, opening his eyes and letting them roll upwards so he was staring at the ceiling. He groaned, then tried to lift a hand to his throat to feel if it was all healed, but found that his arms were restrained. Logan grunted, then lifted his neck so he could see Xavier, sitting beside the bed. "Why am I strapped down?!" he growled hoarsely.  
  
The Professor looked at him and moved in closer. He sighed, then met Logan's cold stare. "Logan, you're a danger to yourself." he frowned.  
  
Logan's face just twisted more with his anger and he unsheathed his claws by his side, pulling at the restraints. "Why couldn't you just let me die?!" he rumbled, his voice becoming less hoarse.  
  
The Professor shook his head sadly. "I can't do that Logan. No matter what you believe, you do NOT deserve to die."  
  
Logan growled, sheathing his claws and slamming his head back against the pillows. "Let me up, I'll do it myself. No one wants me alive an' you know it Chuck."  
  
Xavier could sense his anguish and wished there was something he could do to make Logan believe that he shouldn't die.  
  
"That's not true." Jean stepped in from the far end of the room and approached Logan's bed. She saw his confused look as he stared up at her, probably wondering what the hell she was doing here. "I didn't mean it Logan. You weren't there when I said this, but the Professor was." she looked at Charles for a moment, then he nodded and Jean looked back at Logan. "I said that I didn't care if you were dead...but that's not exactly true."  
  
Logan's eyebrows furrowed and he turned away with a frown, staring at the wall.  
  
"I truly understand now, that you couldn't control some of the things you did, and that you have been trained to eliminate things or even people, when they get in your way." Jean continued though Logan refused to face her. "I...I *do* forgive you." she took his silence to mean that he was thinking about what she'd said.  
  
~Give him time Jean.~ The Professor sent her mentally. "Logan, I will release you from the restraints, but you're not allowed to leave the institute. I will arrange for the team to take turns on suicide watch."  
  
Logan turned his head, glaring daggers at the Professor. "What makes you think I ain't gonna leave anyway?" he growled.  
  
"Jean and I will be keeping tabs on you." he answered, tapping the side of his head.  
  
Logan frowned as Charles wheeled toward him and undid the restraints around his hands. He sat up, rubbing at his wrists. "Who's on first watch?" he grumbled.  
  
The Professor looked at Jean, sending her a telepathic message. ~He still doesn't believe you've forgiven him, and I don't think putting you two together right now is our best option.~  
  
Jean nodded and started out of the infirmary.  
  
Charles stared back at Logan. "I'm putting Rogue on first watch. She'll be following you around for a few hours to make sure you don't do anything foolish." Logan just grunted in return as Charles mentally contacted Rogue. The next few hours were going to be pretty tough, trying to keep a man from hurting himself who so desperately wanted to die.  
  
*****  
  
After all, we're still the same.  
  
But these empty promises never seem to change.  
  
There's a smile on my face and it's 2:55 a.m.  
  
But this cramp in my wrist puts me back to sleep till it all comes around again.  
  
WITH A CLOSED FIST.  
  
xxx  
  
In the shadows of our life, we can fall into the night unscarred.  
  
In the shadows of our life, we can never let it go this far.  
  
***** 


	5. Rogue's Watch

Thanks To: My reviewers! You guys are the greatest! *passes out sodas and candy*  
  
Icea; Sorry, no Hallie in this fic. Glad ya like it though! *grins*  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 5-Rogue's Watch  
  
*****  
  
Logan clenched his eyes shut, then leaned back against the infirmary bed. He glanced up at Rogue, who was sitting near the door, staring at him. With a grunt he stood up and padded across the room with bare feet.  
  
"Where're you goin'?" Rogue questioned, standing up right away. Her posture was tense and she seemed nervous.  
  
Logan sighed. "I'm goin' ta take a shower. Is that okay with you?" he spat sarcastically. "Or would you rather sit there an' smell all the dried blood on me?"  
  
Rogue cringed for a moment, then sat back down and pointed a gloved hand to the med lab's bathroom. "Okay, g'won then, take yur shower."  
  
Logan shook his head with a low growl and stomped into the bathroom, slamming the door shut.  
  
Rogue sat, tapping her foot and wondering if she should have allowed him to be out of her sight. ~Professor?~ she called out, hoping he could hear her projected thoughts.  
  
~Yes, Rogue?~ came the reply.  
  
~Um, Logan jus' went in ta take a shower, is that okay? or do I needta go in?~ she asked unsurely.  
  
~It's alright Rogue, Jean and I will keep mental tabs so he doesn't hurt himself while he's out of your sight. Just make sure the door stays open and he's not in there too long. Talk to him while he's in there every once in a while too.~  
  
Rogue nodded. ~Alright Professor.~ she cautiously moved towards the bathroom door and started to open it slowly, calling to Logan. "Sorry 'bout this, the Professor told me ta keep the door open 'kay?" she heard Logan grumble and took that as an understanding.  
  
"What does he think I'm gonna do, drown myself?" He growled bitterly as he stepped into the shower, finding that it might not be a bad idea.  
  
"Well, ya'll could pretty much jus' stab yurself again." Rogue sighed. This was definetly gonna be a long few hours. The Professor had chosen her for first suicide watch because he figured she'd be the least objective to the situation, and she didn't have many hateful emotions towards him anway. The only thing that bothered her was the fear. She was a little scared of Logan...after all, he DID try and kill one of his own teammates, and she had been on the other side before now. Rogue shrugged, then started talking to check on Logan again. "Hey, ya almost done yet?"  
  
"Yeh, yeh." he spat back with a growl. "Man can't even take a shower without bein' monitored." he grumbled to himself.  
  
*****  
  
Logan stared at Rogue with weary eyes as he restlessly paced infront of the bed in the med lab. He'd walk a few steps, let out a long sigh, walk back, grunt, and start the process over again. Rogue couldn't take it anymore. "Will ya'll cut that out!?" she hollered.  
  
Logan stopped, finally, crossing his arms across his chest. "What the hell d'ya expect me ta do?!" he growled. "Ya got me caged up in here like a fuckin' lab rat!"  
  
Rogue sighed and tiredly rubbed at her temples. She had been on suicide watch for only two hours, yet Logan was already agitated and he was driving her crazy. She stood abruptly, causing Logan to stare at her as she started for the door.   
  
"Bailin' out?" Logan asked with a raised eyebrow. His voice was low and intense, like he was hoping she'd leave so he could do something, like try and end his life again.  
  
Rogue shot him a glance, her hand on the door. "No. *We're* goin' outside, now c'mon."  
  
Logan sighed and followed after her. Atleast he got to leave the confines of the infirmary. Wait, but wasn't Rogue supposed to be following *him*, and not vice versa? He grumbled something to himself as he walked out the door.  
  
*****  
  
Rogue shivered slightly at the breeze that blew past, hugging her jean jacket closer around her. She sat down in the grass under an old willow tree and watched Logan as he looked around, then finally settled down on a rock away from Rogue.   
  
"Ya don't gotta keep so far away." she said after watching him for a few minutes. "I'm covered, I ain't gonna touch ya."  
  
Logan snorted, leaning his elbows against his knees. "I ain't worried 'bout that kid." he grumbled.  
  
"Oh..." Rogue let out softly, remembering he *wanted* to die. That'd mean he probably didn't give a rats ass if she absorbed his powers.  
  
Logan absently rubbed at his chest, grimacing as he remembered feeling his adamantium claws puntured through his heart. It had hurt like hell, but he figured he deserved every agonizing moment of his attempted suicide. He was just angry he hadn't succeeded. He wouldn't even be able to punish himself by feeling the pain, because it was gone, and he was left without a scratch, like he hadn't been almost dying hours ago.  
  
Rogue noticed Logan's somber expression and frowned. She felt bad for the way she had stared the other day when he had walked into the dining area. Her and the rest of the team just glared at him like he didn't deserve to live, and he knew they were feeling that way. Rogue stood slowly and approached Logan cautiously, though she was somewhat afraid. "Hey, ya wanna go fur a walk?"  
  
Logan shrugged and stood, staring face to face with the girl with the poison touch. A thought entered his mind, though he didn't feel the hate from her like the other day. He knew he probably shouldn't, and she'd be mad, but if he succeeded, it wouldn't matter. Before Rogue could move away, Logan reached for her face with bare hands.  
  
Rogue tried to get away once she saw what was coming, but it was too late. She was already absorbing his life force, and that's exactly what he wanted. "N-No!" she shouted feebly, but there was nothing she could do, his hold was too strong.  
  
Logan held his hands tightly on either side of her face, feeling the pull as his life force was being dragged out of him. It wasn't what he imagined it to be though, for some reason he thought he'd be able to see his life flowing into her like something from a cheesy Sci-Fi flick. Logan's eyelids flickered and he twitched as more of his energy was drained away.  
  
Rogue could feel Logan weakening, and before he could hold on much longer, she shoved him away. "No!" she gasped as he slumped to the ground. Rogue closed her eyes, feeling a headache from the rush of Logan's memories. Tears streamed down her pale cheeks and she quickly knelt beside him, slapping his face to get him to wake up. "C'mon Logan! Get up!" she found herself pounding on his chest and sobbing, "You stupid bastard! Why'd ya go'n do that? Why? I don't hate you!" she cried. "I don't hate you!" 


	6. Anthem Of Our Dying Day

Thanks To: my reviewers! Hope this chap. came soon enough for ya!  
  
Note: The song this chap. is 'Anthem of Our Dying Day' by Story of the Year.  
  
+++++ represents a dream. +++++  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 6-Anthem of Our Dying Day  
  
*****  
  
The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight.  
  
And this is the moment that I live for.  
  
I can smell the ocean air.  
  
Here I am pouring my heart onto these rooftops.  
  
Just a ghost to the world.  
  
That's exactly what I need.  
  
xxx  
  
From up here the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire,  
  
and I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day.  
  
*****  
  
"Hey." Scott called quietly, taking a seat beside Jean at the table and putting an arm around her shoulder. "You okay?" he gave her shoulder a slight squeeze.  
  
Jean smiled wanly, turning to look at her boyfriend. "Yeh, I'm fine." she told him sadly, not managing to be very convincing.  
  
Scott sighed. "It really isn't your fault Jean."   
  
"I know." she glanced at the floor, closing her eyes for a brief second. "He must really want to die though Scott, I don't understand it. Why even bother to try again? He knew we were monitoring him." Jean shook her head apathetically.  
  
"Maybe...he just didn't care." Scott offered, pulling his arm away from Jean. "He's fine though, right?"  
  
"For the moment." Jean sighed as she met his ruby quartz gaze. "The Professor said Logan's in a healing coma while he wears off the effects of Rogue's powers. Luckily none of the wounds from his first attempt re-opened, or he really would be dead..." her eyes widened as she stood up, then said quietly, "but he knew that...he wanted it to happen that way." she blinked, then turned and stormed out of the kitchen.  
  
Scott slammed his fist on the table, frustrated. "Stop shutting me out Jean!" he said quietly, but she was already gone.  
  
+++++  
  
Logan ran into the woods, the cold, stiff ground causing his bare feet to go numb, but he didn't care. He shot an angry glare backwards as he paused in a circle of briers, kneeling down to catch his breath. The frosty air left him feeling winded, and he found it harder and harder to breathe the more he ran.  
  
"Looooogan." a drawn out whispy voice echoed through the woods, ringing in his ears.  
  
"Looooogan." the voice called again, more desperate this time.  
  
Logan growled, then tried to unsheath his claws, only to find that he couldn't. He furrowed his brows, taking in a sharp breath. The cold air made him cough and he put a hand to his chest as he felt it tighten up.  
  
"Logan." the voice whisped again, closer this time and not as drawn out.  
  
Logan knelt down on the hard ground, fighting to breathe and he found himself shivering in the cold, his bare upper body turning pale and his lips blue. He clenched his eyes shut, growling, then he felt a soft, warm hand gently lift his chin. Logan found himself staring into beautiful pale green eyes that belonged to a young girl with auburn hair and a curious white streak. "Rogue?" he coughed, squinting.  
  
"Logan. Stop running." she told him softly, lighting squeezing his chin. "I don't hate you." the ghostly girl whispered before she faded away into nothing.  
  
"Wait!" Logan rasped. His cold and worn body seized up and he was paralyzed, falling flat on the ground unable to move...unable to breathe.  
  
+++++  
  
"ROGUE!" Logan yelled in a strained voice, sitting straight up in the bed and knocking off a few of the wires that had been monitoring him.  
  
Rogue shot up from her chair at the infirmary door and dropped the magazine she'd been looking at. She ran toward the bed, staring at Logan as he seemed to be focusing on where he was. "Logan?" she asked timidly.  
  
Logan took in a few deep breaths, then used his arm to wipe the sweat from his brow. He blinked several times, then glanced sideways at Rogue. "I'm alive." he mumbled, but not seeming as dissapointed as he thought he would.  
  
"Yur damn right y'are!" Rogue snarled at him, suddenly feeling angry instead of concerned. "Now I got *you* in my head. Thanks alot." she grumbled, crossing her arms and glaring at him.  
  
Logan sighed, then leaned back against the bed, surprised that he hadn't been restrained this time. "I'm sorry." he said gruffly, sounding somewhat sincere. He really was sorry that he'd put her through that, and now she'd probably have his Weapon-X nightmares too, but he thought at the time it was the only way he could kill himself, the only way he could end all his grief.  
  
Rogue stared down at the sterile floor. "I meant what I said before though." she said quietly.  
  
"What?" Logan glanced at her, his eyebrows knit together in confusion.  
  
Rogue gulped, then stared into his liquid brown eyes, her sympathy for him reaching through to her cold expression and softening her own eyes. "After ya touched me...I was tryin' ta get you ta wake up, and I...I said that I didn't hate you, an' I meant it."  
  
Logan blinked, then ran a hand through his sweat soaked hair. He grunted, fumbling for anything to say and lost in his own thoughts, not noticing as Rogue walked back to her chair by the door and sat down, once again picking up her magazine like nothing had happened. 'She doesn't hate me? That-that's what she said in the dream...'  
  
*****  
  
For a second, I wish the tide would swallow every inch of the city as you gasp for air tonight.  
  
I'd scream this song right in your face if you were here.  
  
I swear I won't miss a beat because I never have before.  
  
xxx  
  
From up here the city lights burn like a thousand miles of fire,  
  
and I'm here to sing this anthem of our dying day, of our dying day. 


	7. Razorblades

Thanks To: My reviewers! You guys rock!  
  
Note: Song this chapter is 'Razorblades' by Story of the Year.  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 7-Razorblades  
  
*****  
  
Walking example of you.  
  
Just wait for the silence.  
  
Talking backwards to you, it meant nothing to me.  
  
*****  
  
Professor Xavier's Office-  
  
"Rogue?"  
  
"Huh?" the girl looked up slowly, pushing an annoying lock of hair behind her ears.   
  
"I was saying that you no longer have to be on suicide watch." The Professor told her slowly. "I understand that you are upset right now and probably want to keep as far away from Logan as possible. Am I correct in that assumption?"  
  
Rogue sighed, fidgeting with the sleaves of her shirt. "I'm not *that* upset." she drawled. "An' it's not that I wanna keep away from 'im..." she said sadly after a short pause. "Now I know what was goin' on his head...how he felt." Rogue frowned, looking up at the Professor who was watching her intently. "I think I should stick with 'im...I mean, I don't want 'im ta feel like another person's givin' up on him."  
  
Charles nodded with a slight smile. "I understand Rogue."  
  
She stood up and started for the door. "Well, I guess I'm gonna go back ta the infirmary an' keep an eye on Logan."   
  
"Jean's in there now, I'll let her know."  
  
*****  
  
Watching the world fall on you, I'm keeping my eyes closed.  
  
Now I can see what this means to you.  
  
It meant nothing to me.  
  
*****  
  
"Are you going to be alright now Logan?" Jean asked timidly, hanging back slightly from the bed.  
  
Logan sat on the medical bed opposite where Jean was as he stared at the wall. "Does it matter?" he grumbled bitterly, still refusing to face her.  
  
Jean sighed. "Listen..." she bit down on her lip, trying to find something she could say. "I know how you feel-"  
  
"Do you Jean?" Logan snapped, interrupting her and staring at her with hurt in his eyes. "Do you really know how I feel?" he shook his head angrily, then turned away from her again and stared at the wall.  
  
"Uh, Jean?" Rogue called from the doorway, poking her head in the room.  
  
Jean turned and started walking towards the girl. "I know, I just got Charles' message." she frowned sadly, fighting the guilty tears that threatened to spill from her eyes. "I just want him to know that I don't blame him...and I'm sorry." she said lowly.  
  
Rogue nodded. "I'll make sure he knows." she smiled tightly, then slowly approached Logan as Jean left the infirmary. She let out a short startled gasp as he turned quickly on the bed when Rogue got near him, his nose meer inches from hers. She didn't move, she didn't dare, and she barely breathed as he looked into her eyes with an icy stare, unmoving.  
  
Logan's forehead twitched slightly as his eyebrows knit together and he finally spoke. "I heard what Jean told ya, so ya don't gotta tell me again. She jus' don't want a guilty conscience anymore is all." he grunted, still staring at her. "What're you doin' back here? Thought you wouldn't wanna be anywhere near me now." he rumbled lowly.  
  
Rogue's stiff face broke into a little smile. "Funny, that's what the Professor said."   
  
Logan snorted, then finally backed away from Rogue, giving her room to breathe and compose herself. He stood quickly, then put a hand to his head as he wobbled slightly, then sat back down.  
  
"Ya might not wanna get up that fast." she told him with a slight smirk. "My powers usually leave people feelin' a bit woozy, and you..." Rogue paused with a frown at the frightening memory. "...you held on fur a long time."  
  
Logan sighed and looked away, shivering slightly and wishing that he wasn't only wearing his boxer shorts. "So, why're ya stickin' around? You never answered my question."  
  
Rogue looked at him as he turned to face her again, his brown eyes giving off a look of curiosity and confusion. She smiled, feeling her cheeks slightly flushing. "I want ya to know that I ain't givin' up on you Logan. I want you to live. Yur a part o'me now and if you die, a part o'me would die too." she smiled playfully and gently touched his bare shoulder with a gloved hand. "You don't want *me* ta die 'cause o'you now do ya?" she smirked.  
  
Logan pulled away from Rogue's hand and stood again, more slowly this time. He had his fists clenched by his sides and his face twisted into a scowl. "I don't want anyone else ta suffer 'cause of me." he said sadly before retreating into the infirmary's bathroom where he assumed he had some clothes.  
  
*****  
  
This wasted so many nights and again, I've wasted so much time on a friend.  
  
Too young, too proud to understand, so this is the end.  
  
*****  
  
Rogue's watery eyes spilled over and she quickly wiped away the tears with the sleave of her shirt. She wasn't trying to make him feel worse, but it seemed as if she'd succeeded in doing just that. Rogue shook her head sadly. 'C'mon Rogue...' she thought to herself. 'I'm s'posed ta try an' make him NOT wanna try an' kill himself again, remember?' She sat there frustrated, waiting for Logan to finish getting dressed, or whatever he had to do in there. "Maybe gettin' some anger out in the danger room'll do 'im some good." she said aloud, staring at the door.  
  
*****  
  
Perfect timing for you to run 'til your legs break.  
  
So here's my reminder of you, it meant nothing to me.  
  
xxx  
  
This wasted so many nights and again, I've wasted so much time on a friend.  
  
Too young, too proud to understand, so this is the end.  
  
We should have seen this coming. 


	8. Falling Down

Thanks To: Everyone who's ever reviewed and stuck with the story! Here's the last chapter, I hope you guys like it.  
  
Note:The song in this chap. is 'Falling Down' by Story of the Year.  
  
Swallow The Knife: Chapter 8-Falling Down  
  
*****  
  
Now I can taste the war that I've been fighting.  
  
Start to fall but I'm still standing here behind the wall of dying faith.  
  
I can't forget the fight that's growing stronger.  
  
Face to face with hopes of longer days to build on something we should save.  
  
*****  
  
The Danger Room-  
  
Rogue couldn't yet trust Logan not to let himself get hurt in a regular training simulation, so she set the danger room up as a gym and sat on a bench watching him relay his anger on a punching bag.  
  
Logan repeatedly slammed his bare fists into the bag with enough force to knock through a wall. He could feel the skin on his knuckles tearing from the rough bag, but he didn't care, he was angry and confused, so he needed to resort to violence, the only thing Logan knew to do. He realized that he didn't have his full strength back, but he strained his muscles and every fiber of his being anyway.  
  
Rogue watched him sadly, staring at the blur of his hands as they continued to slam into the punching back. She noticed the sweat pouring down his face and spotted drops of blood on the floor. Rogue stood up and hesitantly moved closer to him. "Logan?"  
  
He didn't seem to acknowledge her and kept punching the lifeless bag, his eyes cold and unfocused in a fit of rage. Logan was angry about a lot of things, one of which that he couldn't seem to die, and another thing that would leave him feeling guilty if he did die because of Rogue. He couldn't seem to understand why she had appeared to grow closer to him after he touched her, and why he felt closer to her in return.  
  
*****  
  
I stand alone. I'm on my own. My hands will bleed.  
  
I'm holding on to what is gone.  
  
What's left of me?   
  
*****  
  
"Logan!" Rogue called to him louder, afraid to move closer in fear that he might accidently turn on her in his moment of relentless rage.  
  
Logan started to hear Rogue calling him through his anger fogged mind, but his rage seemed to be the only thing that was keeping him standing, and with all the energy gone he started to slump to the ground as soon as he stopped punching the bag. Logan slowly dropped to the floor, barely keeping himself sitting up. His hands were bloodied, but the gashes and scrapes on his knuckles soon disappeared.  
  
"Logan?" Rogue sadly knelt beside him, staring at his hands that were soaked with blood, along with a puddle of the crimson liquid on the danger room floor.   
  
"What?" Logan grumbled gruffly, panting as he caught his breath and slowly met Rogue's gaze.  
  
"When are ya gonna stop punishin' yurself?" she asked sadly, lifting one of his bloody hands, then letting go as soon as he pulled away.  
  
Logan scowled, glaring down at the floor. "When I think I don't deserve it." he rumbled with a growl.  
  
Rogue sighed, looking to him sadly. "But you don't deserve it." she shook her head.  
  
He frowned, then faced her. "Yeh, right. I tried ta kill Cyclops, jus' fer Jean, an' it wasn't even worth it!" Logan raised his voice. "Fuck, Rogue, I don't even really love her! I never did..." he started to lower his tone again, staring at his hands. "I only chased after Red 'cuz it pissed off Scooter an' gave me somethin' ta do." he shook his head, mumbling lowly to himself. "It wasn't even worth it."  
  
*****  
  
I'm falling down.  
  
But I should find my strength in this:   
  
a light that burns to reconnect my heart for what it's meant to give.  
  
xxx  
  
I stand alone. I'm on my own. My hands will bleed.  
  
I'm holding on to what is gone.  
  
What's left of me?   
  
*****  
  
The Kitchen-  
  
Rogue stared across the table at Logan as he silently devoured a sandwich. He hadn't spoken much to her since the danger room, and for some odd reason, she was almost relieved. She needed time to think about what was going on between the two of them, what was going on in Logan's head, his battle with himself. Whatever it was, Rogue felt like she needed to get him through this. "Hey," she finally broke the silence. "I got a question fur ya...and uh, it's kinda silly though."  
  
Logan swallowed the rest of his sandwich and looked up, wiping the crumbs from his face with the sleeve of his shirt. He raised an eyebrow, his eyes cold and hard, but that didn't seem to bother Rogue. "Yeh, well what is it?"  
  
She rolled her eyes at his gruffness, then spoke almost bashfully. "You an' me...I mean...do ya consider us...friends?" she asked, leaning up against the table.  
  
Logan just stared blankly for a long moment. Rogue's question had taken him by surprise, he really didn't expect her to ask anything like that. His eyebrows furrowed, and he searched her expression for the correct responce, not finding it. "What do you think?"   
  
Rogue smiled tightly. "Well, I...I do, I really do. I consider us close friends even."  
  
Logan shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pushing the vacant plate away from him. He sighed with a short laugh that caught Rogue off guard. He even seemed to smile a bit. "Haven't really had any o' those."  
  
Rogue smiled proudly, putting a gloved hand over his, glad that he didn't pull away. "Well, now ya do." she looked into his eyes, finding them beginning to soften. "I've been in yur head, I know what you've done...and that doesn't make me like ya any less...but more. Yur a strong person Logan, an' I like that about ya."  
  
Logan seemed to grin slightly, he could sense that the girl was telling the truth.  
  
Rogue pressed on with the real question she'd been meaning to ask, hoping for him to help her out with this. She slowly pulled her hand away and leaned back in her chair. "So...have ya found yur will ta live yet?"  
  
Logan met her gaze, staring at her evenly. He let out an exasperated sigh and smiled a bit at Rogue, a livliness returning to his eyes. "Thanks ta you...I'm gettin' there."  
  
*****  
  
Walk. Fall. Stand again so I can...  
  
Walk. Fall. Stand again so I can...  
  
Walk. Fall. Stand again so I can...fall.  
  
xxx  
  
I stand alone. I'm on my own. My hands will bleed.  
  
I'm holding on to what is gone.  
  
What's left of me?   
  
*****The End*****  
  
Note: Well, I'm all finished. The ending pretty much leaves things open to yer imagination, but ya pretty much get the message I hope. x_0 lol. I decided not to have a Logan/Rogue relationship goin', but instead leave it for the beginning of what will blossom into a closer friendship. Please review! 


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